D.I.Y. Disaster Movie in 10 Easy Steps

1. Watch Mega Disasters on the History Channel religiously. There are plenty of untapped scenarios you can base your plot on. May I suggest a Gamma Ray Burst? Why has no one jumped on this??

2. While creating your script, be sure to use poetic license within scientific explanations. Much of your audience will have the audacity to reference your "facts" during "intelligent" conversations. The rest of us will get a good laugh when you are roasted by Phil Plait. It's a win-win.

3. Required characters include: Renegade Scientist who does not work for the government, Heroic Woman with no sex appeal but pretty enough to cause obnoxious romantic tension with Renegade Scientist, Pompous Ass Scientist that works for the government, Black Guy, Cute Nerd, Benign Government Liaison, and various useless characters that can be shot down like skeet.

4. No one takes Renegade Scientist seriously. Regardless, he should receive high level security clearance within 10 minutes of telling Benign Government Liaison the bad news.

5. In the room where Renegade Scientist meets with the joint chiefs/president/generic committee to explain said impending disaster, don't forget to include a smorgasbord that no one partakes of. This serves only to benefit Renegade Scientist, who serendipitously uses fruit as a visual aid.

6. Said impending disaster has plenty of warning signs. The worst of which should level a large European city, kill thousands and destroy priceless landmarks. Things are taking a turn for the worse, but contagious optimism continues.

7. An obvious visual or audible clue is required to let the audience know the government is hiding something. The government is hiding something.

8. Boys love their toys, so don't forget the importance of acquiring/building/stealing/ a multifaceted impenetrable vessel and specialized weapons. Bonus points for anything phallic in appearance.

9. Pompous ass scientist redeems himself either after being terribly embarrassed, or just before he is killed.

10. Can't think of a good ending? Take the easy way out: blur together various newscasts of hopeful recovery while the sun sets (or rises) amidst a peaceful landscape.


Note: You can make that royalty check out to Autumn Wiggins.

Republican Rainbow Yarn

Rainbows are following me everywhere this week. I dug one up from my yarn stash at an inopportune moment:

Autumn: "Go away rainbow. I'm feeling a little too emo for you right now. I want to listen to Emily Jane White and and eat Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream, but only because I'm hungry, and too lazy to cook anything."

Rainbow Yarn : "I understand, but don't lie, you are craving sherbet. I can read you like a book, and I'm a ball of fucking yarn."

Autumn: "A cussing ball of yarn? That's too bad, you were going to be knitted into legwarmers for my niece."

Rainbow Yarn : "Bullshit! You want me all to yourself, you hippie bitch!"

Autumn: "Wow, you sure are a smart ball of fucking yarn, aren't you?"

Rainbow Yarn: "Look, I'm just getting so tired of you left wing liberals with your pork barrel spending, trying to save the planet, and all that shit."

Autumn: "Has someone been watching Fox News in my home?"

Rainbow Yarn: "No, didn't you read my label? I'm 70% wool and 30% Sean Hannity toupee"

Autumn: "Well, I was close. You are right about me though. I'm going to macrame your ass into a bookmark for myself, but you will only be used in non-fiction by Keith Olbermann, Lou Dobbs, or Al Franken."

What happened after that is a mystery. I thought my stash box was safely stowed away, but somehow said yarn must have "fallen out". Eli proceeded to chew it into a million little knots while I was out shopping.

I still made a bookmark.

The end.